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  • Writer's pictureBritt Leigh

Carpool or SEPTA Commuters: Who Would Win in an All-Out Brawl?

Sadly, due to Coronavirus, I will not be able to distribute March's version of the 9536 Chronicles. It seems that April's edition will likely see the same fate. HOWEVER, that won't stop me from writing them and sharing a few of them here!

I chose this one to share for March because I think we could all use a few laughs!

Want to know more about the 9536 Chronicles? Take a look at their origination here:

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It’s no secret that commuting of any kind is a frustrating experience for many, especially when that commute takes you into the City of Brotherly Love.

For carpool commuters, there’s traffic and unwieldy drivers, the never-ending construction on 422, and your crazy Philly taxis. Not to mention slowdowns on 76 and 95 for literally no apparent reason whatsoever.

“No one knows how to merge. NO ONE! They just keep drifting over until you’re forced to slam on your breaks and pray that you don’t get rear-ended for the third time,” one angry carpool commuter said.

For SEPTA commuters, there’s train delays and overcrowded cars, talkers on the quiet ride car, rude passengers, and unpredictable train schedules. Additionally, SEPTA Commuters are also often subject to some of the same frustrations as carpool commuters, namely the never-ending construction on 422.

“This construction is killing me. It’s everything I can do not to scream into my steering wheel every time I pull onto 422,” an angry Septa commuter said. “Then I have to hope and pray I make it to the train station in time.”

When first exploring the similarities and differences between the two groups, the primary question that kept arising was: Who has it worse? That’s when the anger clawed its way into the mouths of our interviewees and spewed across our headlines.

“Who has it worse? Is that a serious question? Septa commuters, sipping their coffee lattes and reading their precious fiction while someone else does the work to get them in the city, can’t hold a CANDLE to those of us who sacrifice our sanity EVERY DAY driving into work,” Beth Dummell spat.

“She said WHAT? Obviously, she’s never gotten on a Septa train when it’s packed like sardines, the person in front of you forgot to put deodorant on, and you have to pee desperately without ANY control over how fast the train gets to your stop,” Alexa Cruz said in response to Beth’s comment.

With the responses to our question quickly becoming contemptuous, our question evolved into: Who would win in an all-out brawl?

“Easy, carpool commuters. It takes a special kind of human to drive into work every day on 76 and not actively drive themselves into a median,” Chuck from Norristown said.

“Have you ever been on a train stuck on the tracks in the middle of the summer? Do you know how much pent up rage Septa commuters have in their bodies? Yea, I wouldn’t mess with a Septa commuter ever. They are wild,” Nora from Wayne said.

Commuters from both groups largely voted for their own group, insisting their levels of pent up hostility towards the world would give them the edge.

“If I leave a bad day of work, only to get to the train station and see that my train has been delayed, only to get on said train for it to be packed to the brim with commuters, oh yeah, I’m ready to throw down,” Enzo from Merion said.

“There is no one more terrifying than a Philly commuter who just got cut off in traffic after being chewed out by their boss. No one,” Bonnie from King of Prussia said. “And we can scream in our car without being judged by others.”

Essentially, it seems, the argument comes down to whose commute is more rage-inducing. Carpool commuters would have you believe that their often death-defying driving skills and unnatural ability to be cut off without causing an accident would prime them for the role of ultimate fighting champion. Septa commuters, however, feel differently. Given the strength

in their leg muscles from running for trains and their ability to completely ignore the deep emotional pain of ignorant train passengers, they believe they are primed for battle.

So, the question remains: Who would win in an all-out brawl?

Volunteer applications are available online and the octagon will be prepared in early August.

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