Wedding vows come in all shapes and sizes. Some are extremely short while others span pages of vow books. Some use creative metaphor while others stick to a more direct and straightforward approach. Some vows play with formatting, interspersing promises throughout the text, while others stick to a more traditional structure. Regardless of how they are created, however, there are five key elements that all the most beautifully written vows have (and three elements they most certainly do not have).
The Five Keys to Beautiful Wedding Vows
Storytelling
Storytelling is the most fundamental form of human connection. It’s how we express ourselves and make meaning of the world around us. In our wedding vows, storytelling is a way for us to highlight the most meaningful moments in our life and showcase how those moments have made an impact on our most important relationship.
This doesn’t mean that you need to tell the story of your relationship from beginning to end nor does it mean that you need to share several stories that quickly fill up the pages of your vow book. Instead, it’s about telling the story of your relationship through short anecdotes, recognition of your partner’s best qualities, and a summation of one central question: Why do you want to marry this person?
Personal Anecdotes
As previously mentioned, personal anecdotes are a part of storytelling. However, many people, especially people who are pressed for time or struggling to find the right words, will “borrow” from someone else’s vows. This typically happens after someone Googles “what to include in my wedding vows” and they find an article with examples that feel relatable. In their haste, they simply pull what they found into their own vows and call it done.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with borrowing from what someone else has done with one very important caveat: You still need to make it your own. This is because it will clearly stand out if it’s not your own. The sentence won’t match the tone of the rest of your vows, and it will ultimately come off as inauthentic. The best-written vows may be inspired by what others have written, but they are not a carbon copy. Instead, they are written with a sense of authentic uniqueness that could only embody the relationship between you and your new spouse.
Say The Thing
How many times have you looked at your partner and thought about just how much you loved them and how much they meant to you, but chose to keep it to yourself? Maybe you noticed how driven they’ve been to achieve a particular goal, or you love the way they look when they are on the way to the gym, or you can’t get enough of their laugh even though they hate it about themselves. These are the tiny things that mean a lot when spoken out loud, but we often keep them to ourselves because they seem inconsequential in the moment.
Your wedding vows are the perfect spot for these little nods to everything you love about your partner. Your partner will light up at the realization that you’ve noticed these small things about them all along and it will make these little moments in time beautiful memories long after your wedding day is over.
Thoughtful Promises
The promises are easily the most important part of your vows. They are the “contractual” part of your vows where you decide the terms under which your marriage will flourish. While there is opportunity to add some humor to these promises, each promise should come from a place of thoughtful intentionality. In other words, each promise you make to your spouse should connect to something significant in your relationship.
Your promises are also the final major section of your vows before you close out your thoughts. Anything that’s been left unsaid prior to this section should be included here or in your closing statement.
A Nod to The Future
Traditionally, the nod to the future is written toward the end of your vows, though I have seen it written elsewhere is more uniquely formatted vows. Regardless of its placement, however, speaking about the future is a must-have in all wedding vows. The fun in this future-oriented element is that it becomes a way for you to look back on all your hopes for one another and see how far you’ve come each time you revisit your vows.
The beautiful part of this element is that it doesn’t need to be long. It can be as sweet and simple as, “I can’t wait to see what our future holds,” or something longer that includes all the dreams you’ve spoken about as a couple. Either way, your future is the next step in your marriage journey and earns a respected place in your vows.
While these five elements are a surefire way to ensure that you have written beautiful wedding vows, there are a few elements that must never see the light of day in your vows. The addition of any of the following elements negates any of the progress you made with the previous five elements. And while they may seem obvious on the surface, they spring up more often than you might expect.
The Three Biggest Things to Avoid in Your Wedding Vows
Your Ex
Your ex-relationship has no place in your wedding vows. I’m not saying they can’t be a guest at your wedding if your relationship turned from romantic to friendship and your spouse has no concerns about their presence, but they should not be mentioned in any formal vows or speeches at any point throughout your day. As the saying goes, “comparison is the thief of joy,” and by referencing them, even in passing, you are creating a comparison between the two people.
This goes for wedding speeches just as much as it goes for your wedding vows. The focus of the day should be on the couple getting married. Any past relationships are completely irrelevant.
Vulgar or Demeaning Language
This does not mean that you can’t swear or have playful sexual references in your wedding vows, if you so choose. What this does mean is that you want to avoid words or phrases that may insult or cause harm in some way.
For example, let’s say a gentleman wanted to include nudity in his vows because he and his spouse were both painters who painted in realism. In painting one another, they learned to appreciate the beauty of each of their bodies, especially the imperfections that they each felt they had. In this sense, the inclusion of nudity speaks to a deeper, more profound form of intimacy the two found in one another and finding a way to include that feels important and appropriate. Though, as a vow writer, I would still want my client to check in with his spouse to make sure they are okay to the reference. What wouldn’t be appropriate is including gratuitous sexual references that might make their spouse--or their guests--feel uncomfortable.
Embarrassing or Harmful Stories
This one is a little trickier than most people realize, as what might seem embarrassing or harmful to one person may not to the other. If you know your spouse is particularly sensitive about a given story (even though you think it’s cute/funny/sweet), it’s best to avoid including it in your vows without explicit permission from your spouse. Your vows are not the time to bring up stories that will make your spouse feel uncomfortable, no matter how honorable your intentions.
Harmful stories are no different, and there are varying degrees of harm that can find their way into wedding vows. The one I see most often is a reference to seemingly harmless illegal activity, such as doing drugs or disobeying "minor" laws. Again, regardless of whether the two of you laugh about the incident today, your vows are not the place to reference the story. Not only can it cause discomfort with your spouse, but it could potentially cause issues with the wedding guests who are listening to your vows.
If you follow these eight tips (5 Things to Include and 3 Things to Avoid), you will be well on your way to writing a beautifully crafted and deeply meaningful set of wedding vows. Happy writing!
Of course, if you find that you need help bringing all these elements together, I am just an email away!
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